Just In Case You Didn’t Think I Could Get Any Weirder…

Obviously, I’ve been a little busy lately.  If you think having a whirlwind romance with Adam Levine while working full-time and keeping up with 4 kids, two dogs and a husband is easy peasy…think again!  It’s hard work, and I’m exhausted.  And cranky.  My brain is all over the place, and I’ve had a hard time keeping focused long enough to blog.  I was trying to catch up reading some blogs last night and I ran across the first blogger I ever read religiously.  I love her, love her stuff and I admire her bunches!  She was tasked with writing a post full of weird and obscure stuff about herself.  With the exception of her disdain for Brass instruments (my youngest daughter plays the Mellophone/French Horn), I loved her post and learning things about her outside the edge of ordinary.  I also have a daughter that plays the flute…so it’s all good.  Check out YKIHAYHT (You Know It Happens At Your House Too), you won’t be sorry, she’s awesome! 

Of course, I pretty much put the obscure and absurd things about me out there daily on twitter, so coming up with a list of things you might not know about me was hard.   I’m more than just Adam Levine’s dirty little secret… 

1)  Someone once told me that rats poop on the top of soda cans before they are boxed and shipped.  Ever since then, I can’t drink from a can, whether it’s beer or soda…doesn’t matter.  If I am forced to drink from a can, I always and I mean always use a straw.  No exceptions.  I can’t drink from cups at restaurants either without a straw.  Even fast food places that give you paper cups.  One time, I threw a major hissy fit when my husband and daughter brought me a sweet tea from McDonald’s and forgot the straws.  I refused to drink it.  Things got ugly.  I’m not proud.  For future reference, bring it to me in a bottle, or you better have a straw.  Otherwise, someone is getting shanked and I’m not even joking. 

2)  When I get out of my car to get gas, I touch every metal surface I can find in order to counteract the static electricity.  I am convinced that if I don’t, I’ll spark an explosion and die.  I saw it happen on the news once.  I never watch the news.  Therefore, clearly it was an omen sent from God that if I’m not careful, I’ll blow up.  I’ve seen Bones (the tv show), I don’t want my remains grouped by category until they can piece me back together to discover my identity.  Plus, I haven’t been to the dentist in like FOREVER, and isn’t that how they identify you?  By dental records?  I don’t want to be buried in an unmarked grave because they can’t figure out who I am!  So, I’ll either avoid putting gas in my car or walk around the gas station parking lot deactivating my static charged body before I get gas, and I don’t care how many weird looks I get, and if you see a deranged woman molesting your car…now you know.

3) I sometimes fantasize about having a threesome with Bill Clinton (the Bill from the 90’s, not now…) and Jon Stewart.  Do I really need to elaborate?  As an aside, I once got told by a NYC cabbie that I looked like a thin Monica Lewinsky.  Did you hear that?  He called me thin! 

4)  I hate blowing my nose.  It makes me gag.  I’ll prolong it as long as possible.  Cleaning my ears makes me cough.  Clearly my orifices need therapy. 

5)  I’m scared of the dark.  I have to fall asleep with the light on or the tv on.  I have this irrational fear of being attacked in a home invasion.  Without my glasses on, I can’t see my hand in front of my face, so I sleep with my glasses on so that if my irrational fear does become reality, I’ll be able to identify my attacker.  I also don’t like my bedroom door closed unless someone else is home.  The only nights I truly feel safe and secure are when it’s raining because no one wants to break into a house in the rain right?  Unless there is thunder and lightning, because I’m scared of those too.  And tornadoes.  High winds aren’t pleasant either.  Hey, just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean someone’s not out to get you!  I lost the spelling bee to my arch nemesis in middle school because I misspelled lightning.  We’ve had a love/hate relationship ever since.  With lightning…not my arch nemesis.  I don’t know what happened to her.    

6)  The best thing I love about my Kindle is that I can read trashy novels and no one has to know.  It can be my super secret guilty pleasure, unless I blog about it….  Oops.

7)  I used to dirty dance in front of my John Schneider poster when I was a pre-teen.  You know the blonde guy from the Dukes of Hazzard.  Which is weird because I don’t find blonde guys attractive as a general rule, my taste typically runs to dark headed hotties.  I love the pics of John from back in the Dukes days, when “dad” jeans and “mamel” toe were sexy.  Well, maybe they weren’t really sexy but we didn’t know any better.  Oh, and Parker Stevenson was the better-looking Hardy boy. 8)  Matthew was my very first schoolgirl crush.  He was the cousin of one of my childhood friends, Kelli.  I’ve never told anyone this before, and I’m really hoping she doesn’t read this blog…like ever.  I would listen to sappy love songs and play out all of the scenarios where he realizes he likes me back and I would finally get my first kiss!  I was 14 when I got my first kiss and alas it wasn’t from Matthew.  My obsessions with boys I would never have started young…  Do you remember your first non-celebrity crush?

9)  I love the smurfs.  Still.  If they are on Cartoon Network, I will commandeer the TV from my children to watch, by any means necessary.  Bribes.  Threats.  Any means necessary.  Don’t come between me and my smurfs.  Handy was hot.  He could build stuff.  With his hands.  

10)  Every song Adam Levine has ever written is about me.  

It’s disturbing how relatively easy it is to come up with weird and slightly obscure facts about me.  I could easily have made this list a top 20…or more. 

Now it’s your turn to overshare!  Don’t be shy…

Overexposed: A Love Story

Friends shouldn’t let friends drink and write a blog, because this is what happens…

I’m sorry in advance Adam for letting out our little not so secret love affair.  I know you wanted to wait, but I just can’t deny the truth any longer.  I know it’s complicated, and things will get messy.  I’ve heard all the reasons why you’re afraid to let yourself love me, but I thought I would take this time to remind you of our amazing love story.

Remember when we took that pic (above) in Fiji?  I was stung by a jellyfish and you pissed on my foot and then carried me back to our hotel.  You were so sweet that day Adam.  That might have been the day I fell in love…because nothing quite shouts love like getting pissed on.  My son used to piss on me all the time.  Changing a diaper was an act of war.  I would slowly undo the diaper and peek in, make sure the little wanker was sleeping.  Then, I’d pull the diaper back letting the cool air in, and quickly (yet gently) slam the diaper back down before peeking again.  Sometimes the cool air would set off the urine stream.  All would seem quiet.  He would coo, giggle and smile at me, but I wasn’t fooled.  I saw the mischievous gleam behind his blue eyes.  I’d have the other diaper all ready, the timing and expediency of the switch crucial if I wanted success.  Success was achieved if I didn’t have to wipe urine from my face, shirt and the walls after a diaper change.  Wait…why am I talking about this…  Back to us my love…

Remember that day you took me camping?  Yeah…let’s never do that again.  Our love was surely tested that day.  I tried to tell you I don’t do camping, but you laughed off my concerns, and told me it was because I’d never been camping with you.  Of course, you didn’t know I’d have that allergic reaction to the ant bites…  But before I swelled up and got sprayed by that rabid skunk, it really was quite romantic.  I got a good look at the stars when the paramedics put me on the stretcher, and that cocktail of drugs they gave me was delightful.  Thank you for riding in the ambulance with me and holding my hand, and only gagging once when you saw the puss filled blisters on my feet and ankles.  I fell even more in love with you that night…

Remember walking along the boardwalk in Venice Beach and we ran across that street artist, and you asked him to paint a caricature of our Route 66 road trip in your vintage Thunderbird?  We ate ice cream, people watched and laughed all day.  We had to wear floppy hats and sunglasses so no one would recognize you.

Then you surprised me with that skydiving trip!  I accidentally sharted, it might have been the ice cream or the fear, and you were so understanding.  You even bought me all new panties, and I told you how I hate the word “panties” and I don’t wear thongs and there was that awkward moment where we stumbled into your ex-supermodel girlfriend, and I was all embarrassed because I smelled like fear, nervousness and poop and my palms were all sweaty, and my eye started doing that squinty-tic thing it does when I’m feeling overwhelmed.  Yet still you made me feel beautiful and desired.

Remember when you took me skiing in Aspen!  We skied, made snow angels, sipped hot chocolate by a roaring fire and frolicked in the hot tub!  I thought getting a yeast infection from a hot tub was a myth, but thank goodness that doctor was staying in the room next to us!  I’ll always remember how you ran to the drugstore and got every brand of yeast infection cream and suppositories on the market and raced back to my side.  Of course, I forgot all about the burning and itching after I accidentally set your jacket on fire.  I know you said it wasn’t important but it looked really expensive.  I wish you’d let me replace it…  Oh well, I’ve got a great Christmas idea for you now!

Surely you remember bringing me to the Cannes Film Festival!  It was definitely the most romantic night of our lives!  It was so sweet how you kept my name out of the papers, and I loved being referred to as the “mysterious woman clinging to Adam Levine” by the paparazzi.  I still don’t know how you kept our love a secret, we were glowing brighter than that Edward character in Twilight.  When my husband called to tell me that one of our children had fallen ill, you immediately made a private jet available to take me home.  You’ll make an awesome step-dad someday.  Thank you so much for getting Scarlet Johansson’s autograph for my husband, it did seem to mollify him quite a bit.

I’ve never had so much dressing up for Halloween as I did this year with you!  We were the hit of the party.  Until I threw up on Lady Gaga’s bacon dress, but I mean really…a bacon dress?  It would have made any slightly drunk person throw up.  I think some of that bacon was rather old, and it was kind of insensitive to wear it considering the bacon shortage threatening the nation.  Plus, they really should have stopped serving me after my 5th glass of that punch, it was very strong.  It kind of hit me all at once.  I’m really sorry about puking in your car.  And your front lawn.  And the floor of your foyer.  And in your closet.  Not sure how I ended up in your closet, but I hope I missed your shoes at least.  Did I mention how strong that punch was and I probably shouldn’t have eaten those tacos.  You made a bed for me next to the toilet and put a cold washcloth on my head…and I knew…just knew that we were meant to be.

I know I promised not to mail out our Christmas photo this year, but I love it so…

I should never have gotten our photo album out, plus the drinking…I know it’s a bad idea.  We promised to wait until March before we went public, but I just couldn’t wait one second longer!  I know you have to ignore me on twitter and Facebook, but it hurts.  It hurts so bad, Adam.  I just want to be with you, is that so wrong?  I mean, besides the fact I’m married and have 4 kids.  If it will make you feel less guilty, I found this tonight in my husband’s underwear drawer…

That Scarlett Johansson slut sent it to my husband!  Can you believe her nerve!??!  So, see…you don’t have to feel guilty.

We have this amazing fairytale romance, don’t you think it’s time to tell the world?  Follow me back on twitter if you agree…it will be our secret code until you can come get me 😉