Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week 13 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.
My “Secret Subject” is:
Summertime! Lake, River or Salt Water?
It was submitted by: http://www.southernbellecharm.com
Let me start by saying that winter is my favorite season. Let’s be honest, the bulky sweaters, sweat pants, coats, scarves, hats, etc… cover many faults. Summer clothing, summer activities, don’t leave much to the imagination and for some of us, this is terrifying. Just the thought of trying on bathing suits, sends me into a panic induced anxiety attack. My idea of a perfect day is spent lounging on the couch, under a comfy blanket, wearing pajamas, fuzzy socks or house slippers, sipping a cup of coffee and delving into a good book. Not exactly summertime friendly. In the heat of the summer, you’re more likely to find me standing naked in front of a fan…panting, sweating and cursing.
You know those goo-filled toys that kids play with, where you squeeze one side and the other side pops out bigger? I forget what they are called, but that’s how I feel trying on bathing suits. I shimmy that lycra/polyester blend over my thighs, hips and stomach, past the boobs, which I have to lift and set into each elastic bordered cup. I pull the bottoms as far over my butt cheeks as possible, noting that the winter bush looked smaller and better maintained in my granny panties.
If I wore this swimsuit would I still need to shave?
I peer down critically at myself, feeling not that bad, why my stomach looks almost flat from this angle…then I look up. At first I think, omg who is standing in my dressing room and how the heck did they get in here!
Then I realize it’s me, and not the me I envisioned when I was looking down at myself feeling kinda body positive, even almost on the thinnish side of the overweight curve. I feel that maybe I’ve been punked by Ashton Kutcher (is that still a show?) and he’s replaced my dressing room mirror with one of the carnival fun house mirrors. Don’t even get me started on the harsh fluorescent lighting! I mean seriously, don’t retailers realize I’d buy a ton more clothes with a little mood lighting and a skinny mirror? Instead of smoothing out my bumps and curves, the small piece of lycra horror has just pushed everything down, out and to the side. Seriously, in addition to the uniboob, I also have tremendous side boob, underboob and back cleavage. I don’t even know where to look. Epic disaster. I feel the need to dive into some ice-cream head first. Or cry. Or both. Summertime…ugh.
They say fat looks better tanned. Which brings me to the actual secret subject question I received. Lake, river or salt water? So, now that I’ve horrified all of you with mental visuals of me in a bathing suit, let’s break this down. Careful, you’re about to experience the full brunt of my neuroses, and it’s not pretty. You’ve been warned.
Lake? No. If I’m forced to frolic around in lake water, I’d prefer to do it on the back of an inner tube or jet ski or from the safety of a big boat. I’m not a fan of swimming around in murky, dank water where I can’t see what exactly is swimming with me, and I’m terrified of getting nibbled by fishy friends.
I feel like my pale, ghostly white skin looks fairly luminescent bobbing just under the surface of the lake, and that to marine life, I might look a bit like a fat worm being dangled enticingly before them, not a mere snack but a full on 6 course meal. The bottom of the lake floor just feels kinda gross to me, slimy and strange, forcing me to wear swim shoes which gives me a weird foot tan. The idea of me bouncing around on a inner tube doesn’t exactly feel me with excitement either. Frankly, I’m not sure my swimsuit would even hold up. I have visions of sausage casing erupting, spreading out over the surface of the lake and then being gobbled down by the fish or other strange lake creatures I can’t identify. As I accidentally inhale gulps of lake water in my frantic dash to pull myself back up into the boat or on the inner tube, it occurs to me how many kids/adults have used this very lake as their own personal bathroom. Or dumping ground (pun intended). I can almost feel the unnamed, unidentified bacteria moving towards me in rapid pace as I huff and puff myself back into relative safety.
How I imagine the bacteria to look as it’s coming for me!
So yeah…no lake for me.
River? I picture rivers as something you walk across during a hike, or stop to let your dog play in while you bandage up your blisters from the new hiking shoes you bought because they were cute, and the color matched your hiking outfit, not because they were practical or even comfortable and appropriate for actual hiking. A river is where you might stop to let your horse drink, if you’re into horseback riding or where you might splash water on your red, sweaty and puffy hiking exerted face. I guess people float down rivers and stuff on inner tubes but I’d have the same concerns listed above under lake. So probably no river for me either.
Which brings me to salt…
I noticed pool wasn’t an option, and I have a whole rant on public pools and swim parks, but since it wasn’t part of the question, I’ll spare you. You’re welcome.
I’ll be traveling to Puerto Rico in two short weeks where all my deepest fears and insecurities will be put out on display for better or worse. I love the beach, except for the sand part and I love the ocean except for the salt/shark/jelly fish part. I love the idea of the beach/ocean combo. I love the sounds. I love the natural beauty to be found there. It’s the practical side of nature I struggle with and the beach is no exception. I don’t relish the thought of washing sand out of my hoohah every day or feeling the sting of salt slapping against my razor burns/cuts. As much as I criticize and poke fun of my various body parts, I’m kinda partial to them and would hate to lose them to a shark. If I worry that I look like yummy bait to little lake fishies, imagine what a shark would think!??! All you can eat buffet anyone?
So I suppose if I had to pick one, it would be definitely be salt, but more in a lounge chair by the ocean with a delicious umbrella adorned beverage while I delve into the latest fiction craze on my kindle, lathered up with sunscreen, shielded under the world’s largest hat/umbrella combo, feeling a little bit like a movie star but hoping there isn’t any paparazzi hovering around to take gnarly close-ups, and zoom in on my white, cellulite covered thighs and back cleavage.
Cheers to summer ya’ll ❤
Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:
Baking In A Tornado http://www.BakingInATornado.com
Cognitive Script https://cognitivescript.blogspot.com/
The Blogging 911 http://theblogging911.com/blog
The Lieber Family Blog http://thelieberfamily.com
The Bergham Chronicles http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com
Southern Belle Charm http://www.southernbellecharm.com
Never Ever Give Up Hope http://batteredhope.blogspot.com
The Angrivated Mom http://www.angrivatedmom.wordpress.com/
Not That Sarah Michelle http://notthatsarahmichelle.blogspot.com
Bookworm in the Kitchen http://www.bookwormkitchen.com/
Part-time Working Hockey Mom http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/
Climaxed http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com
mybrainonkids.wordpress.com 
wow, tough prompt. I don’t like the cold of winter anymore, but I also hate having to shave and bare too much skin. I’m the one under a blanket, white as a ghost at the beach. I hate being hot as well.
I wouldn’t want any of those, but I have to tolerate the local lake in my town for my son. Though I have to take a long shower to ride myself of all the grossness. I would rather a pool each and every time.
I’ve never seen river thrown in as an option. That’s the one I’d pick. Not as murky as a lake, not as sandy/salty as the ocean.
First of all, thanks a lot for that hairy swimsuit picture, I think I’ll need therapy after seeing that. Second, we’re opposites. I love the ocean, but I’ll settle for a lake or river. Anything to cool off in the summer months. Grew up in New England where I had access to all three, now I live in the midwest and have to sit inside or join a pool. Give me lake, river, or salt. I’ll take it!
I hate summer! I would love to live in Alaska or even Seattle where it’s always cloudy! I do love to swim though just about anywhere. At least the rivers and lakes would be cleaner there!
That swimsuit is one image I won’t be able to unsee for awhile. I don’t swim and as a kid grew up in Detroit. Going to the beach was a day trip away. I hate hot weather and so glad I live on the West Coast where it is quite cool in the summer — and believe it or not, only a minute from the ocean and I don’t even put my big toe in the water.
Excellent post, Shannon! I can rely to every single point, the dressing room, the bathing suit, the river, the lake and the ocean. I will see you at the deck chair area, probably in my shorts and a T-Shirt, and we’ll have a nice cocktail! 🍹🍍😎
PS: love the frog pictures!
Shannon !!! LOL I feel your pain. I love being ON the water. In a big boat. Not in it. I love the beach. To walk on off season when no one is around. Lakes are beautiful to look at and photograph. I’m not a winter person as I hate the cold. Fall ahh that’s the ticket.
I don’t do swimsuits or water that things poop and fornicate in. Also, I’ve seen all the episodes of River Monsters and no. I think tf not. haha
Where you in the dressing room last time I TRIED to buy a swimsuit? Seriously? You had to have been there. Perfect description! Love what you did with the prompt. Thank you