Overexposed: A Love Story

Friends shouldn’t let friends drink and write a blog, because this is what happens…

I’m sorry in advance Adam for letting out our little not so secret love affair.  I know you wanted to wait, but I just can’t deny the truth any longer.  I know it’s complicated, and things will get messy.  I’ve heard all the reasons why you’re afraid to let yourself love me, but I thought I would take this time to remind you of our amazing love story.

Remember when we took that pic (above) in Fiji?  I was stung by a jellyfish and you pissed on my foot and then carried me back to our hotel.  You were so sweet that day Adam.  That might have been the day I fell in love…because nothing quite shouts love like getting pissed on.  My son used to piss on me all the time.  Changing a diaper was an act of war.  I would slowly undo the diaper and peek in, make sure the little wanker was sleeping.  Then, I’d pull the diaper back letting the cool air in, and quickly (yet gently) slam the diaper back down before peeking again.  Sometimes the cool air would set off the urine stream.  All would seem quiet.  He would coo, giggle and smile at me, but I wasn’t fooled.  I saw the mischievous gleam behind his blue eyes.  I’d have the other diaper all ready, the timing and expediency of the switch crucial if I wanted success.  Success was achieved if I didn’t have to wipe urine from my face, shirt and the walls after a diaper change.  Wait…why am I talking about this…  Back to us my love…

Remember that day you took me camping?  Yeah…let’s never do that again.  Our love was surely tested that day.  I tried to tell you I don’t do camping, but you laughed off my concerns, and told me it was because I’d never been camping with you.  Of course, you didn’t know I’d have that allergic reaction to the ant bites…  But before I swelled up and got sprayed by that rabid skunk, it really was quite romantic.  I got a good look at the stars when the paramedics put me on the stretcher, and that cocktail of drugs they gave me was delightful.  Thank you for riding in the ambulance with me and holding my hand, and only gagging once when you saw the puss filled blisters on my feet and ankles.  I fell even more in love with you that night…

Remember walking along the boardwalk in Venice Beach and we ran across that street artist, and you asked him to paint a caricature of our Route 66 road trip in your vintage Thunderbird?  We ate ice cream, people watched and laughed all day.  We had to wear floppy hats and sunglasses so no one would recognize you.

Then you surprised me with that skydiving trip!  I accidentally sharted, it might have been the ice cream or the fear, and you were so understanding.  You even bought me all new panties, and I told you how I hate the word “panties” and I don’t wear thongs and there was that awkward moment where we stumbled into your ex-supermodel girlfriend, and I was all embarrassed because I smelled like fear, nervousness and poop and my palms were all sweaty, and my eye started doing that squinty-tic thing it does when I’m feeling overwhelmed.  Yet still you made me feel beautiful and desired.

Remember when you took me skiing in Aspen!  We skied, made snow angels, sipped hot chocolate by a roaring fire and frolicked in the hot tub!  I thought getting a yeast infection from a hot tub was a myth, but thank goodness that doctor was staying in the room next to us!  I’ll always remember how you ran to the drugstore and got every brand of yeast infection cream and suppositories on the market and raced back to my side.  Of course, I forgot all about the burning and itching after I accidentally set your jacket on fire.  I know you said it wasn’t important but it looked really expensive.  I wish you’d let me replace it…  Oh well, I’ve got a great Christmas idea for you now!

Surely you remember bringing me to the Cannes Film Festival!  It was definitely the most romantic night of our lives!  It was so sweet how you kept my name out of the papers, and I loved being referred to as the “mysterious woman clinging to Adam Levine” by the paparazzi.  I still don’t know how you kept our love a secret, we were glowing brighter than that Edward character in Twilight.  When my husband called to tell me that one of our children had fallen ill, you immediately made a private jet available to take me home.  You’ll make an awesome step-dad someday.  Thank you so much for getting Scarlet Johansson’s autograph for my husband, it did seem to mollify him quite a bit.

I’ve never had so much dressing up for Halloween as I did this year with you!  We were the hit of the party.  Until I threw up on Lady Gaga’s bacon dress, but I mean really…a bacon dress?  It would have made any slightly drunk person throw up.  I think some of that bacon was rather old, and it was kind of insensitive to wear it considering the bacon shortage threatening the nation.  Plus, they really should have stopped serving me after my 5th glass of that punch, it was very strong.  It kind of hit me all at once.  I’m really sorry about puking in your car.  And your front lawn.  And the floor of your foyer.  And in your closet.  Not sure how I ended up in your closet, but I hope I missed your shoes at least.  Did I mention how strong that punch was and I probably shouldn’t have eaten those tacos.  You made a bed for me next to the toilet and put a cold washcloth on my head…and I knew…just knew that we were meant to be.

I know I promised not to mail out our Christmas photo this year, but I love it so…

I should never have gotten our photo album out, plus the drinking…I know it’s a bad idea.  We promised to wait until March before we went public, but I just couldn’t wait one second longer!  I know you have to ignore me on twitter and Facebook, but it hurts.  It hurts so bad, Adam.  I just want to be with you, is that so wrong?  I mean, besides the fact I’m married and have 4 kids.  If it will make you feel less guilty, I found this tonight in my husband’s underwear drawer…

That Scarlett Johansson slut sent it to my husband!  Can you believe her nerve!??!  So, see…you don’t have to feel guilty.

We have this amazing fairytale romance, don’t you think it’s time to tell the world?  Follow me back on twitter if you agree…it will be our secret code until you can come get me 😉

13 thoughts on “Overexposed: A Love Story

  1. I don’t know what to say. All along I thought you were just kidding, and I was playing along letting you know whenever I saw Adam on a show. Now you present me with proof! What a fool I was not believing you. I swear, anything you say from now on I will take as the gospel truth!

  2. This post is brilliant! I think Adam should man up and follow you for a good time. PS – my hubby got one of those pics from Scarlett too – she’s getting desperate 😉

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