Let me start with…so I’m still milking the whole “I’m in pain so I have to keep taking this hyrdocodone” injury. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it.
When man-child was around 2 or 3, he loved to play hide n seek. He thought if he covered his eyes and couldn’t see us, then we couldn’t see him. I love this logic. I apply this logic to mail collecting. The only thing usually awaiting me in my mailbox are bills, or my people magazine which chronicles the lives of people richer than me, prettier than me, and skinnier than me. Hence, the mailbox has been dubbed the “box of terror and regret”. Terror that the electric bill makes it appear we live in The White House or regret that I’ve bought something on Amazon I probably can’t afford. So, if I don’t check the mailbox, then the terror and regret don’t exist, right? Right.
Imagine my surprise on Wednesday when there was a postal package shoved in my mailbox and I was pretty sure I hadn’t ordered anything. Only pretty sure, because I have a terrible case of shopping amnesia. I order something and then forget I ordered it, it helps lessen the guilt and heads off buyer’s remorse. I rip into it like a feral cat over a cornered rat and find these lovely crocheted items!
Naturally, I immediately assume it’s my secret fall swap gift! Aren’t they so pretty?!?! I didn’t know if I should hang them from a tree with twinkle lights or break out the twine and make myself a fall bikini, get drunk and dance around the house shaking my money-maker! I wondered how much twine I would need… Then I worried that the term “falling leaves” might be a little too real and not metaphorical enough when draped on my “poor droopy I’ve had a million kids and I’m over 40” bosoms. Clearly, I’d need the bigger ones for up top, and I was afraid using the smallest one for “down there” coverage might make it appear I had a squirrel trapped underneath if I didn’t do some immediate tree trimming and hedging with ginormous garden clippers, an industrial strength leaf blower and a tractor. The whole fall bikini idea was falling apart before my very eyes, and now I was on a downward shame spiral that only Hostess Ding Dong’s and Vodka could cure.
But seriously, aren’t they pretty? Let me backtrack a minute and explain the whole “secret fall swap” idea.
The absolutely wonderful maven of awesomeness Pocketful of Joules organized the First Annual Fun Fall Swap! After admiring some holiday gift baskets made by the creative and talented B(itch) Log, Joules conceived the brilliant idea of a Secret Santa type gift exchange among any bloggers that wanted to participate, but instead of Christmas, it would have a fall theme! Gifts? Fall? Secret Santa’s? I’m so in!
@JoulesDellinger from Pocketful of Joules
@art_is_of_words from B(itch) Log
@diapersorwine from Diapers….or Wine?
@chewyleecious from Chewylicious
@katiebelle1121 from Words for Worms
@kidinducedcrazy from Sorry kid, your mom doesn’t play well with others
@Playpossum12 from Life’s too short to play possum!
@Chrissawoi from Quirky Chrissy
And me, of course.
So, I received this delicate and vibrant fall swap gift (or so I thought it was my fall swap gift….remember the hyrdocodone excuse at the beginning?) and I didn’t immediately thank the person I was pretty sure had sent it to me, because I thought it had to be all part of the secret fall swap blog post. Yes, she included a note which should have been my first clue that this wasn’t a secret swap gift, but again…remember the hydrocodone I was pretending to need because I kinda like the loopy feeling it gives me. I only have 7 left, so don’t worry about staging any interventions on my behalf, and I don’t drink on the days I pop pills, so no worries.
Imagine my surprise when I came home today to find this on my doorstep:
Well…it wasn’t found on my doorstep exactly like that, but in my excitement to see what the Mail Santa delivered to me, I didn’t think to take a pic until after I ripped into the boxes of goodness. This is my attempt to recreate the moment. It’s flawed, but you get the gist. I was EXCITED! I had PRESENTS! Wait….presents? But I already got my fall swap gift..right? Apparently, no.
So, now I’m horrified because my dear sweet wonderful bloggy twitter friend Chewylicious will think I just blew off her thoughtful gift that she sent me, not as part of a fall swap, but just because she’s kind and generous and likes to surprise people with nice things! Yes, we had talked about her sending me something after I gushed and shamelessly plugged for her to make me something, but remember that amnesia I was talking about earlier…yeah…so….
FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THINKING OF ME! I LOVE IT! YOU’RE THE BEST, AND I’M GOING TO RETURN THE FAVOR SOON! (I was thinking a pic of me in the fall bikini? JK JK…no I promise, you will love it, which means I won’t be making it!)
So, now onto the two magical boxes left on my doorstep.
The first came from my friend in crime @LucyBall15 (My Life As Lucille) and I pee’d my pants when I realized what the box contained!
My very own “Booze Bong”! And I got it just in time for #wineparty and Homecoming weekend! So instead of looking like this:
I’ll be all classy and look like this:
She loves me. She truly loves me. And my husband says thanks for the gym towel (it protected my precious wine bong). Seriously, how cute is my little bong!
What was in the other box you ask?
I’ll tell you that it was wrapped up tighter than Fort Knox or my daughter on Homecoming night. My hands were shaking in excitement! What could it be?!?! The kids were hovered around me, breathless with anticipation. Daughter #2 whispered “shoes…” Man-child squealed “Is it toys?!”.
I said, “MINE.”
Look how pretty it’s all wrapped! I just took my fall swap items to the UPS store and had them wrap it and box it…I’m feeling kinda bad for my poor recipient. The first thing I carefully unwrapped…
Frank? Seriously? He’s on first name basis with this Halloween monster? He’s confiscated MY FALL SWAP GIFT! I’m now plotting which action figure I’ll hold hostage until I get “Frank” back from his evil clutches.
Next, I unwrap….
Which is also snatched from my grasp, as man-child screams “It’s like this person KNOWS ME!”
On the bright side, Frank is back in my arms…
No worries, I’ll calm myself by gorging on this….
I LOVE candles. Every spare inch of space in my house is covered with candles. Candles make my house smell like I bake and cook and craft! Which I don’t, but people will think I do! Plus, it masks the smell of dirty laundry, burnt dinners, pee, children and wet dogs. This person sent me not only a candle, but the best kind of candle because it also doubles as dessert for the senses. I don’t have to ingest the calories of the pie to feel like I ate it and my house will smell like one. Oh sweet goodness.
Also in my box of wonder and delight…
This adorable fall basket which can hold my wine bong or a bottle of wine or candy! It’s my very own adult use only Halloween basket. I love my secret swapper. I love my tweeps. I love my bloggy friends. You guys are amazing. I loved participating in this fall swap! That’s a whole bunch of love and I haven’t even started bonging yet…
Oh, and I get to guess who I think my magnificent secret fall swapper is…
I’d love to say I’m all awesome secret agent-like and stuff, but really I’m just basing my guess off the state from which it shipped, and my guess is:
Who is not only HILARIOUS and makes me laugh constantly, but is also an amazing fall swap gift giver!
If it’s not you, and I’m wrong, I’m sure you are still an amazing gift giver. Obviously, still funny. If I’m wrong, then the person responsible is also an amazing gift giver and funny, talented, creative and all-around awesomesauce!
I think I’ve covered all bases here…
Thanks again Pocketful of Joules for giving birth to such a fun idea which got me all in the holiday mood!