Everyday I’m Googlin’….

I’ve said this before but one of my favorite features on WordPress is “search terms.”  Things people googled and got my blog.  This feature is a never-ending source of amusement for me.  I thought I’d share some of my favorites.  I love to play the Google game at work (I’d do anything to avoid actually working).  If you’ve never done it, you just enter a few words and see what Google auto-searches for you.  It’s based on site stats and what other people are googling about, and it’s disturbing.  Seriously, I think the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us and zombies are already infiltrating the masses.

Smuggling Peanuts

I blame my friend at Peanut Layne for this one.  Smuggling peanuts into where?  Schools?  Do we have a group of rebel 1st graders out there staging an uprising over the banning of peanuts in the lunch room and during snack time?  And then I googled it myself and the first hit was from Urban Dictionary (alarm bells are going off, if it’s in UD it can’t be good).

“What a woman is said to be doing if her nipples are excessively erect and visible under her clothing. See also wingnuts.”

Yeah, pretty sure I’ve never talked about my nipples.  Well, except that one time when I talked about the excessive hair growth surrounding the nipple area.  I’ve heard the term “headlights” or “highbeams” but never smuggling peanuts.  Huh…learn something new every day!

Since I have to keep this blog G or PG (nipple talk isn’t PG-13 or R is it?  I mean….come on, nipples, everyone has them), some searches will have to be saved for another day, but let’s just say manly body parts is a very common and popular way to search for my blog.

Adam Levine (naked, fans, diet and workout, gay, nude, etc..)

My obsession for Adam Levine shouldn’t surprise anyone who follows me on twitter.  I’ve spent months trying to get him to follow me.  He’s still playing hard to get.  If he ever actually followed me back, I’d probably pee myself and never tweet again.  We have so much in common!  We are both children of the 70’s.  We both have dark hair.  We both love Maroon 5.  Yeah, I mean do I need to go on?  Clearly, we are soul-mates.  My fantasies of him are a bit strange though.  Because I’m pretty sure my left leg weighs more than his entire body, I always worry that I’ll die of bliss on top of him and he’ll like be stuck for days before anyone finds him, and then I shame eat trying to wipe the horror from my mind.  In case you were wondering, my blog is my place to say all the things that go on inside my head that I would never say out loud because well…isn’t it obvious?

He’s started following over 2,000 people on twitter in the last month, but not me.  I don’t understand.  By the way, I don’t like the term “stalking”.

I intensely investigate and research the things or people that are interesting to me.  I don’t stalk.  Stalking is so….gauche.  I really love that word by the way.  It means “lacking in social graces”.  Something I used to be afflicted with before I could regurgitate all my wacky/weird thoughts out in the blogosphere.  Now, I’m almost normal…ish.  I’ve haven’t embarrassed myself at all this week.  I don’t think…  Anywho, Adam Levine, listen up! Who do you think buys your overly priced concert tickets?  Not those poor teens and twenty somethings…not it’s me!  Suburban housewife extraordinaire!  SO FOLLOW ME BACK!  In the big scheme of things, it really isn’t too much to ask.  Once you follow me back, we’ll work on the whole love child thing…baby steps.

Man with glasses and drill

yeah, no clue.

Sasquatch Pretzel

Apparently, unlike Bigfoot, this does exist.  It’s a pretzel found in Portland.  There is also a Sasquatch music festival and brewery.  They take their Sasquatch lore very seriously in Portland.

Husband says va ja ja feels slimy after 3 kids

Slimy?  What the heck?  Add this husband to people I’d like to punch in the face.  Also, maybe see a doctor in case something is really wrong.

toxic fumes from burning flat screen tv

Ummm…if my TV was on fire, pretty sure I wouldn’t be stopping to ask google about it.  Ask the FIREMEN that should be at your house right now!

The scream munch inflatable

People are weird.  Hands down.  I don’t want to leave the house anymore.  Do they still have those places that deliver groceries you order online?

Too much ego will kill your talent

Maybe I shouldn’t post any more “award” blogs lol

Naked pushups

Unless it’s Adam Levine, I’m guessing this is bad naked.

Tranquilize his butt so we could have him on the hot seat

Ideas? Anyone?  Anyone?  Hello?  Can you hear me now?

Gator tears heart on ground pee

Sigh.  My faith in humanity is constantly tested.

It’s now time for Google Games!

I begin to enter something and let google autofill the rest for me.  Best. Fun. Ever.  I’ve spent 4 hours straight doing this…and if it sounds like I’m bragging…I am.  Let us find out what people are curious about shall we?

Why do I have…

Diarrhea, stretch marks, so much gas and discharge

Why would a….

anyone vote for Romney, a dog poop blood, a period be late, a testicle hurt

Why are…

manhole covers round, yawn’s contagious, flamingos pink, the flags at half mast

What are…

bath salts, 7 continents, shingles, capers

Where is…

Honey Boo Boo, Chuck Norris, my appendix

Why is…

YouTube so slow, the sky blue, my poop green, the ocean salty

Why don’t women…

like me, have adam’s apples, bleed in water, wear pantyhose anymore

Why don’t men…

like me, carry purses, do uneven bars, call

People are stupid.  If my google history ever became public knowledge though, I would stage my own death and start a new life on a different planet or Europe or something.

Blog #8 complete!  Okay, so now I need to go put lunch money in my son’s account because I said I did it this morning but I really didn’t, and he brought home another nasty gram from the lunch lady.  Calm down!  I’m good for it!

My husband posted this conversation with man-child earlier, I’m using it as my closer.  It’s good stuff.

Nuggets of Wisdom from the Man-Child: 
Man-Child: “Hey Dad, I learned another “college-kid” word today, want to know what it is?” 
Me: <mental sigh> “Oh, I cannot wait… what is it?” 
Man-Child: “The word is: Irate… it is like when you get really mad about something, you get IRATE.” 
Me: “That is awesome son… did your sisters teach you that word?” 

Man-Child: <mumbling as he runs off>… “I just learned it… IRATE!!!!” 

>20 – 30 minutes later< 

Man-Child: “Hey, MOM or DAD… you need to make me some ice cream for snack or I am going to get really IRATE!!!!” <Uncontrollable giggling> 


14 thoughts on “Everyday I’m Googlin’….

  1. LMAOFOFPMP. I am dying… of… laughter… I was already laughing when I got to Where is…my appendix? Oh man do I love Google!

    Here’s a search term for you-“Is white chocolate made of bat poop”. That one made ME wonder… so glad I found your blog. 😀

  2. Yet another reason to switch to WordPress..I wonder if it’s too late. I would be mortified to see what people googled to find me, or what I’Ve googled to find someone else! Hahaha
    This is a great post. It’s too bad you can’t track to see how many people will leave your page to go play Google games….Hmmm. Or Can you? I’m going to find out 🙂

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