Versatility is My Middle Name!

A few weeks ago I won The Versatile Blogger Award from two very fabulous bloggers.  I hope they didn’t think I forgot about them, or that I didn’t appreciate the honor they took the time to bestow upon me.  I’ll reveal the names of my esteemed bloggy friends a bit later.  First, I wanted to get a handle on what it meant to be coined as “versatile”.

Perhaps, I got this award after my award-winning performance in the unauthorized release of the “sexy time” video starring my husband and me.  Sure, it was a tad awkward when our little home movie was played in front of our son’s first grade class.  As soon as I’m allowed within a 2 mile radius, I will apologize.  In the meantime, I might need some homeschooling advice.  For those mom’s who wrote me the hate mail, my son is fine.  We get a therapy “the 4th child is free” discount.  Besides, we used black and white film and everyone knows that makes it artsy, not pornographic.  It’s not like I paid someone to release it (people do it for free…can you believe it?)  I think I showed tremendous versatility and grace in dealing with the whole messy situation.

When Perez Hilton compared my video to a National Geographic special on the mating habits of the Wildebeest….did I get upset?  No.  Jealous people say mean things.  It comes with the fame.  One must be versatile when dealing with haters.  One must adapt to living in the unforgiving glare of the spotlight.

That one mom who blogged the nasty article about me, totally overreacted when her toddler accidentally got the “money shot” while I was getting out of my car.  I mean, I think we can all agree that underwear is soooooooo restrictive.  And we all know if my name were “Britney Spears,” she would have whipped out that camera phone and sold the pics to US Weekly to pay for little Bobby’s private school education!  So please spare me the hypocritical outrage.  In other news, did you know baby beavers were so cute?

I have to keep this blog G or PG rated for my blogging challenge.  What could be more G-rated than posting cute pics of baby animals!  I’m versatile enough to talk about anything, even beavers.

Versatility is the ability to do many things competently.

1. I can poop and read.  What?  Where else do I get alone time to catch up on blogs? Even then, peace and quiet isn’t always guaranteed. My husband waits till I sit on my porcelain throne before putting the laundry away and then makes retching and gagging sounds the whole time.  Sometimes I get poop fright, and if I know someone is listening, I freeze up.  On second thought, maybe not so versatile.
2. Nothing screams versatility like plucking random upper lip hair while brushing my teeth.  Am I wrong?
3. I can read tweets while giving the appearance that I’m listening to my husband’s boring work stories.  Although, I probably need to work on that particular skill because even though my husband has worked for the same company for over 20 years, I still couldn’t really tell you what he does exactly.
4. I can smile at you sweetly while mentally plotting all manner of horrible things.  That looks way worse written down than it sounded in my head.
5. I can listen to my iPod and nap at the same time.  I might have narcolepsy (that is the falling asleep thing, not the sexy time with dead people thing right because that would be really gross and not at all what I mean).  Or maybe I have a tapeworm.  Do tapeworms make you sleepy?  I need to google that later when I’m not so tired.

I think I’ve clearly proven my mastery in the Art of Versatility.  It is with great honor that I accept the two Versatile Blogger awards I received from Making Things Happen and Earth2Body Sisters (who also posts under My Life As Lucy).  These ladies are awesome and you totally need to go check them out.  Unless you hate happiness, laughter, smoothies, drinking skeletons. headless chickens, conversation vomit (an affliction I suffer from acutely), cool crafts and nifty recipes.  Would I lie to you?  Previous content notwithstanding….

Okay, so one of the rules to this award is to list 7 random facts about yourself.

1. I absolutely cannot wear socks on carpet.  It grosses me out.
2. I hide all my paperwork in a filing cabinet, so my office looks clean and organized.
3. I can’t poop in public places.  I will hold it until I get home, and then it’s a mad rush to the bathroom, and heaven help anyone who stands in my way!
4. I’m really shy but hide it by being obnoxious and sarcastic
5. I can cry on command.  It’s my party trick.
6. I can say my ABC’s backwards, drunk or sober.
7. I added African Safari to my bucket list.

I’m supposed to now nominate 15 bloggers that I adore and admire.  It’s late and I’m tired.  I’m not sure if I’m actually writing this or dreaming that I am writing it.  Instead, I am going to troll some blog hops and try to find 15 new bloggers to follow!  I promise to share my findings.  If you are really bored, you can read my other award nominations:

Nick Nolte or Gary Busey…Wait What’s the Question?

Why You’re Just A Freakin’ Ball Of Sunshine!

Sisterhoods and Sex Tapes

***WARNING:  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.***